Jessica Gazzola

I have always been quietly confident; blessed to be born into a family and in a time and place where women were encouraged to be whatever they wanted to be in the world.

So when I was ordained a Catholic priest in 2007 there wasn’t a lot of shock in it, just another step for me. Sure, there was a lot of excitement around me and in me, but I never thought I couldn’t serve a church as pastor or priest… there was always the Episcopal Church and the wide world of Protestantism.  My Catholic faith was formative, but in my mid-twenties it didn’t shackle me.

Even so, over time my priesthood became central to my identity.  It’s where I poured most of my energy and where I received affirmation that made my life seem worthwhile.  There was a time when the thought of not being a priest in a parish frightened me… who would I be?  Would I even continue to exist without my priesthood?

Turning 30 brought a flood of introspection.  I noticed for the first time my marriage of nearly a decade withering and dying.  I was feeling anxiety about keeping up with all of my pastoral relationships and struggled to find energy for my two small kids who needed so much from me.  I was withdrawing into myself and finding a world that I longed to explore!

My husband and I separated and I stepped into the unknown, full of terror and promise.  I continued to serve as a parish priest but life suddenly opened up for me.  For the first time in a long time I was excited about my life outside of the church – I was practicing yoga, meeting new people, and, most importantly, exploring the vast landscape within my own soul.   Something else happened in this time… I began to think, “If I have an identity as a person apart from being married, maybe my life is more than my priesthood, too.”  It was a liberating thought, but not anything to act on.

Then, the unthinkable.  It was a Tuesday, my mother’s birthday.  I hadn’t been feeling well for a couple weeks.  I held in my shaking hand an expired pregnancy test with a bright plus sign.  Unplanned, unintended, the fruit of a friendship turned romantic… what is my identity now?  A female, divorced, pregnant priest… sheesh!  Life was stripping me naked – unable to hide my gender or my sexuality, as it expanded my waist!  I was no stereotype and that fact actually helped to loosen my ego’s grip even more.  My doctor found an eight week old fetus nestled against the cross shaped contraceptive device still in my uterus – and that little child was the beginning of my salvation.

The next months were intense and recalling all the details here would be laborious.  I decided with a third baby on the way I needed to step back from parish ministry.  By the time I left in early Spring 2014, seven months pregnant, I had come to a place that celebrated the person underneath the vestments, the life away from an altar, and the love that comes unconditionally without cost.  I knew grace and I knew God in my body.

Sometimes I feel like I might be a disappointment to my feminist friends.  I left a position that women have been fighting to hold for generations.  I retreated into a life of cooking and caring for children.  But I won’t change it, because in this place, in this moment, I’m alive!  I exist!  And I know that my true self – apart from ministry, apart from traditional relationships, apart from being a mother, apart from external validation – is sacred to God and holy to me.

This witness was given at an International Women’s Day gathering to celebrate the spiritual strength of women of faith.